#I'm tired physically but actually more mentally exhausted and just need to pop all my joints

[bread-tab]

Today in Mysterious Undiagnosed Hypermobility Issue Adventures...

My feet are two different sizes. I recently changed jobs and have to wear the most protective shoes I have on hand, aka, my old hiking boots which require a different type of sock on each foot to fit right. I'd previously been wearing work shoes that are more comfortable (but too flimsy for this job) and don't have the sock problem. So, I forgot. I wore the same thickness of socks on both feet for a few days.

This has resulted in a mild injury to my larger foot, which I didn't actually notice until today because my feet were both so sore yesterday from constantly walking around for 8 hours. It feels more or less okay, and then I put weight on it and it sparks a dull pain in the ball of my foot and feels like one or two of my toes are being bent in a way they're not supposed to.

The natural impulse I've experienced all day is to fix this by pulling on my toes. Didn't work. Eventually I had to start telling myself, "stop messing with it, if you actually tore or bruised something that's just going to irritate it." But the feeling persisted...

I must pop my toes.

So at last I gave in. After a few hours, I gently pulled on each toe and popped the joints. As expected, it had very little effect. Until the ring toe. Then all of a sudden something went clunk and popped very loudly and the pain stopped for a good couple of minutes.

Unfortunately I did take this to mean "pulling on toes is the solution!" and managed to aggravate some other part of my foot, so it's back to square one. But I could swear, that one misaligned toe feels like it's finally back in place after being messed up somewhere down in the phalange/metatarsal hookup zone. Still a little tender, but the main problem (weight-bearing issue) seems to have at least migrated to a different toe.

In conclusion: What the fuck?

[goron-king-darunia]

Annon-Guy: Everything okay?

Yeah, I'm doing pretty good. Catching up on Tumblr is really difficult though. Every time I take a break to do anything there are like 30000 posts to look at. I might just have to contend with the fact that there's no catching up. Internet FOMO. My brain keeps going "Well what if someone made a really funny post while I was away?!" And like... If it was really that funny it would come back around.

I still have no idea where that ask I answered went and I'm too burnt out still to try to retype it.

I am still cranking out fanfic and I am enjoying the 1.6 update of Stardew Valley though. And I made a yummy pasta dinner yesterday.

So overall I'm just... Tumblr exhausted. Everyone makes too many good posts all the time and the need/desire to tag all of them appropriately is massively kneecapping my ability to interact. Couple that with my IRL responsibilities of taking care of my Mom and handling my own adult life just means I spend my limited free time on meatspace tasks like knitting/crocheting and embroidery or on actually gaming or writing instead of my old routine which was... scrolling tumblr until I caught up for the day, usually dumping more than half of the posts in my drafts for future me, and then using whatever free time I have left to write or game. So I'm okay. But I think I'm honestly just... not going to be able to be available on Tumblr indefinitely. This legitimately might have to just be a hobby place now where I pop in to check up on friends, post notable things like finished projects, and then just dip out and ignore most posts. there's simply not enough time in my life to engage with all the fun things I want to.

But even though I'm a bit burnt out, I'm happy. I get to eat better food now that I cook more, I get to make more cool things now that I knit and crochet and embroider more. I get to handle more of my life which is honestly needlessly complicated (I will rage against taxes being obtuse on purpose forever), but it means I have more control over what happens which isn't much, but it helps me feel like a functional adult instead of a leaf in a stream. And I still have time for fun stuff. That fun stuff just... isn't on Tumblr so much.

All my fruitless efforts to "catch up" on here have done is just give me more drafts to dig through than I can manage and kept me away from doing more of the things I love.

So I'm going to try to do more targeted things on here. Post more original content, reblog a bit less, give up on catching up, and just try to give whatever energy I have on here to specific friends.

Feel free to keep sending me DotNW stuff. I almost always have energy for that. But I don't think I have the time and energy in me to go over a bunch of new things.

Physically I'm drained, mentally I'm fried. But it's okay. I think that I just have to let go and deal with the fact that having to step up and be an adult means I have to choose what's really important to me. And scrolling through memes on Tumblr is fun. But it's not fulfilling. I don't really want to spend 6 hours every day just catching up on what everyone else is sharing and then another 10 hours some other day scrolling through stuff I saved for later because I was too tired to read it the first time.

I want to spend more time creating my own things.

So I think from now on I'm just going to be extra picky about what I engage with on Tumblr, especially because engaging with stuff on here with only half my brain because I'm exhausted means I can only give half the attention to things that they deserve. I will try to post more of my own things so you know I'm still around and I will try to answer more often. But I think including Tumblr in my routine is no longer a sustainable thing.

It's like trying to live at a themepark. There's a lot of good stuff here, but very little of it helps me be the person I want to be. I don't want to just consume other people's content. I want to make stuff.

So I'll be around. But I think I'm going to start making really hard decisions about what I can and can't give attention to.

That said, seeing you build your own little community by hosting polls and engaging with other fandom blogs is really nice. I'm glad you're able to reach out and connect with so many new people. Tumblr is really great for that. I'm happy to be your DotNW contact, but I think I may have to trim down my engagement on Tumblr to just that. DotNW, maybe some legend of Zelda, maybe some cat memes and positivity. I'm going to trim away a lot of political stuff first and foremost because I'm pretty bad with that and I'm going to try to limit my meme engagement and long posts and see how that does. And if I need to trim down even more, then I will. But from now on, I think I just have to be decisive.

And I've decided the best use of my time is much less Tumblr.

I'll still be around, but it's definitely going to be sporadic. Doesn't mean we're not friends. Just means I'll get to all the fun things you want to share in a much longer timeframe.

I hope you are well, too. I think this is just one of those things where I have to completely transform my life. It's not bad. It's just different. I'm still doing all the things I love. I'm just putting more effort into the things that I love more.

Sorry for the long post. I think this is as "back" on Tumblr as I can be.

Thank you for loving me and sharing your joy of gaming with me! Even if I can't be on Tumblr as much, I will try to make space for you in my life!

[dreaming-of-spots]

Extremely controversial mental health opinion ahead: if there was a cure for autism I'd be first in line to get it. Same with ADHD. There's all this fuss about "we don't need a cure, we don't need a cure" but if I could pop a couple pills or go through some brain jiggery fuckery and get rid of it? I would. 100%, no hesitation. I'd love to not be constantly stressed out! And that's not just a matter of "society needs to be more accommodating". ADHD is miserable. I procrastinate everything and it's stressful, I forget to take my meds, my meds make me feel sick, I'd love to be able to take criticism without it feeling like my world is crashing down, I'd love to have a grasp on the passage of time. And autism? I'd love to magically suddenly be able to socialize and not be hellishly awkward. I'd love to get rid of the fine motor issues. The sensory overload. Having a brain that's you're having to fight with to function all the time is miserable. I don't want any of this. I want a cure. It shouldn't be forced on anyone and I understand the push back against looking for a cure but also, maybe consider that some of us do actually want that. And fuck knows, if I ever had kids, I wouldn't want to subject them to the same existence I've had. Hell, half the reason I don't want kids is because I would never want to make anyone live with the same shit I do and it's got a strong genetic component. I've been severely depressed most of my life and constantly running on fumes and high functioning anxiety until I physically couldn't anymore. It's exhausting. ADHD and autism are exhausting and they suck. I'm not "unique" and I don't "see the world in a different way" I'm just tired.

[xxisxxisxxis]

Gateway Drug | Part Ninety-Three [PT. 1]

Words: 3k

Warning(s): explicit language, drug abuse

Tag List: @unknownoblivion  @edwardtriggerhandzz  @haileynicoleseavey17  @cierrasixx19  @oskea93  @mgkobsessed  @sharon6713  @itsametaphorbriansblog  @miriampraez  @allie-mcginn @xpoisonousrosesx  @rebeccaphillips14  @nicholeh7 @lilmou5ie  @emariehorror  @divaanya  @6ixx6ixx  @ratedrkohardychick91  @floregrohlssard  @oldschoolimagineblog  @abaldboi  @liith-ium  @jd-johndeacon-or-jackdaniels  @ytwahsog  @scarecrowmax  @random-internet-user-4471  @solohqrry  @sparxx27  @kaitieskidmore1  @cruecifymesixx    @meetthesixxter    @arianareirg  @gingerspicetalks

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NIKKI

1987

I throw another drink back not long after yelling obscurities at Viv as she stomped out of VIP to leave and go home, between more lines of blow, a trip to the bathroom to get a fix and some drinks, we decide to take the party to Steven's new place. 

"You guys just can't be too loud, though, got it?" He says as sternly as he can as we get inside and he fumbles for his key. 

"Alright, alright, alright," I mumble, stepping inside, grabbing his bottle of Jack off the counter before getting comfortable on the floor by the window. 

We all talk--as best we can--for a little while, Steven and the boys making some calls to get some dealers here, and the only thing on my mind is getting a potent fix, until I hear something...very faint, very familiar...very, very, familiar...I furrow my brows to focus more, ignoring the guys' laughter and voices, my eyes training on the wall opposite of me. 

My subconscious puts it together before my conscious does, like smelling a blanket from a childhood home and immediately being taken back before your brain can quite grasp the feeling. 

Multiple memories shrouding that sound of Vivian that only she can really pull off. 

It doesn't take rocket science equation solving skills to put together why I'm currently hearing her soft, pretty moans carry on next door. 

I'm pretty sure more members of Guns, aside from Steven, are staying here right now. 

Apparently Stevie hears it not long after and slips into the next suite, where the sound is coming from, that's connected to his suite. 

I don't hear it anymore after he gets back in here. 

"Dealer's coming or what?" I ask Steven, my high starting to get blowed from the fact that my wife is next door on her back for someone who isn't me. 

I'd be jealous if I weren't numb to it by now.

"They're all tied up, man." Steven tells me and I groan, thinking for a second. 

An idea comes to mind that makes me want to bang my head against the wall, but I'm desperate and left with no option at this point. 

"I know a guy," I mumble, dragging myself up to the phone in the little kitchen area, reluctantly dialing a number I never wanted to dial again. 

It rings once...twice...three times… 

"Hello?" He answers and I roll my eyes. 

"'Sup man, it's Nikki." I reply, trying to put on my best "friendly" voice, even though it's making my blood boil that the bastard I could see myself killing is ultimately the one that's gonna be able to save the day. 

"Hey, dude." He replies. 

"Me and a few buddies of mine are out here at the Franklin Plaza Suites and need a few things." I rub the back of my neck. 

"Yeah?" 

"Yeah." 

It's quiet, and he reluctantly breathes out. 

"I'll see what I can do." I can hear the satisfaction in his voice that I'm having to call him. 

Within the next forty minutes there's more people here than I'm comfortable with, groupies, and hangerson, and other drug adoring morons, and then my saving grace comes through the door once Steven lets him in. 

Slash is already slipping into a Jack induced stupor. Sally came in a few minutes ago screaming at all of us guys for leaving her at the Cat House. 

We didn't even realize we'd forgotten her. 

She's in the bathroom, probably keeping herself in there to keep from starting an argument with Slash in front of everyone. 

Robbin's on the phone with Laurie.

Apparently it's just in men's nature to get fucked up, call our wives, and profess our undying love for them despite the fact we cheat on them nearly every time we hangout with our friends. 

I wonder what would happen if I went in there on her and Duff right now. 

What would she say? 

Probably nothing. 

She'd just look at the floor and try not to cry, probably. 

What would I do? 

I know that I know what's going on between them, but if I actually walked in and saw them together, caught in the act…

I'd either be a pussy and cry over it, or kill them both--him first and make her watch, and then just slowly torture her or something. God, I'm fucked up. Even though I'm pretty sure being married to me is torture enough to her. 

I know it's torture to me, too. 

"Here dude," Sparkie hands me a syringe and a spoon, and I look at him, too out of focus to concentrate on getting it right. 

"Fix me." I say to him and he scoffs. 

"Okay, dude." He starts getting it ready and I look at that wall again. Staring at it, taking a sip of my drink. 

Fucking Vivian. 

Of course. Her. Of all the women I've hooked up with and dated in my life, she--the most harmless, at least in my dumbfuck mind when I first met her--is the one to screw me over like this. 

And I've let her. 

If I did what Vince does to Sharise and have that whole, "no hanging out with your boy friends without me" rule, this wouldn't even be an issue. 

That's the problem. Somewhere along the way I loosened her leash a little too much and now she's chewed her way through it entirely. 

"You look like you're in hell, you know," Sparkie tells me, fixing the tourniquet around my arm… "But that's okay, you're about to be in heaven in just a few seconds." He assures me. 

I know he's right. I just need to hang on to that. 

In just a few seconds, I'll be--

I hear Vivian, again, and I reach around my neck and grab onto her cross I've been wearing for weeks, now, squeezing it at the sting of the needle going into my skin. 

I feel him shoot me up, my mind waiting to chase and catch the high that I just know is about to come. 

My fingers slip from the crucifix, and I feel myself fall back before a weightless feeling washes over me.

Present

I keep rereading the damn paper, repeatedly, trying my hardest not to throw a fit...

Nikki Sixx and his wife, Vivian, recently confirmed that she is indeed pregnant issuing a simple and straightforward,"Yes, it's true," statement earlier this week through Nikki's manager, and--as speculated--her pregnancy is not with Nikki. Many fans and some friends of the couple are blown out of the water by this sudden turn of events, others who are familiar with the rockstar and his band but never really paid much attention to his personal relationships, are now curious as to who exactly Vivian Sixx is. Well, in an open letter, rumored to be intended for print in Rolling Stone, a few anonymous former roadies of Mötley Crüe--who partook on their Girls, Girls, Girls, tour in 1987--are here to introduce who they saw behind the scenes of flashing cameras and public sweet moments with husband Nikki. 

"This is a letter to Mötley Crüe fans, we're a mere handful of people out of the many who witnessed monstrosities behind the scenes while on tour with the Crüe since Summer of 1987, none of which were caused by the band or any members, themselves, but one woman in particular. We had no reason to really bring any of this up, but in light of recent news, we are disheartened and angered of the betrayal against one of the four men who gave us an opportunity to live several months in our lives that will forever impact us in the best way known, and provide heartwarming memories by the dozen. This is not an attack on Nikki Sixx, especially given his past struggles with opioid addiction, alcoholism, as well as his abusive wife. The first time we met Vivian, she was polite and friendly, but very assertive. It was obvious it would be her way or no way,  and often times she and Nikki would go back and forth with who was running things. It was obvious Nikki was unwell at times, whether it'd be hungover, sick from withdrawal or simply tired from a show the night before. Vivian would choose these times when he was at his most exhausted to pick fights with him. He'd tell her to go away or 'f**k off,' and she'd continue to verbally and mentally beat him down more than he clearly already was. When Rolling Stone came to interview the band shortly after the wild rumor Vanity started publicly, we were told Vivian had tried to physically attack the reporter working on the story, simply because he made the comment that Pepsi wasn't good for her. Small things like that would often set her off, leaving security, managers, and band members to try to dodge fists while pulling her off of her unsuspecting victim, who was typically Nikki. Many times we'd hear them arguing in the hotel rooms, dressing rooms, bathrooms, tour bus, etc., usually followed by sounds of what we can only describe as 'pitchy, hungry, pornstar moans' on her part--clearly using her body to get back in his good graces after wearing him down. After their fights, Nikki would always have a bottle of alcohol on hand, some kind of drug, and would keep to himself. Our comradery with him soon began to dwindle with each month because it was obvious she was beginning to suck the life out of him. He was more introverted overtime, and higher more often than he was at the beginning of the tour. It really got bad when Guns N' Roses came on tour for a month, because Vivian's attacks on him and the other members of Mötley Crüe, began to pop off as randomly and explosively as fireworks. We'd witness some foul exchange (brought on by Vivian)  between her and Nikki backstage, either verbal or physical, nearly every night. People can talk down on the Crüe for being bad boys, but they've shown everybody that's helped them on tour, gratitude. All the wives and girlfriends that would come on that we'd offer food and drinks to would always express gratitude with a smile and a warm heart, but Vivian would always stay silent and cold towards us. She's a trashy, bitchy, whiney, hateful, spiteful, conniving, plotting python that now has her cold-blooded grasp around not only Nikki's neck, but also Duff's. Her game is to find the most well rounded guys while maintaining under her guise that she's a kind, Christianly woman, and see how far she can push them until they work themselves to death, literally, with trying to please her. We aren't surprised that she's pregnant, she probably video taped herself conceiving the damn thing and sent it to Nikki. We hope she did so it can be practice  for her inevitable low-budget porn career when she runs out of rockstars to f**k and kill, as we've mentioned, she already sounds like one in the throws of passion. Anyway, Nikki, we're hoping you decide to kick her aside and start fresh. Duff, get a paternity test, dude. Crüe fans, don't let that red-headed bitch fool you."

"Who the hell is Page Six to give these bastards a platform in the first place, Doc?!" I snap.

"Nikki, I am handling it, I'm on it--"

"--You tell the L.A. Times and Rolling fucking Stone if they take this shit and run with it, too, I'm personally coming to their offices and fucking them up. Not the publications themselves, but the people trying to put this out there in print, individually." I hiss.

"Nikki, just--" 

"--And who the hell--what roadies did this?!" 

"I don't know, Nikki, but I'm trying my hardest to get it cleaned up." He assures me. 

"'She's a trashy, bitchy, whiney, hateful, spiteful, conniving, plotting python that now has her cold-blooded grasp around not only Nikki's neck, but also Duff's. Her game is to find the most well rounded guys while maintaining under her guise that she's a kind, Christianly woman, and see how far she can push them until they work themselves to death, literally, with trying to please her'?!" I read that snippet, just so he can be reminded how fucked this is, trying my hardest not to start pitching a fucking fit. 

"Fucking AJaxx isn't even cleaning this up! Press mongrels are gonna be humping these bastards legs for giving them sales for the next nine months!" I outburst. 

"Sixx, don't worry about it, alright? It won't go past this shitty Page Six story, okay?" 

"It's fucking horse shit." I ignore him, trying to keep my cool. "Fuck." I kick at the leg of the table, running a hand through my hair.

"I guess one decently positive thing is that Viv doesn't know about this," he says next and I shake my head a little, feeling a migraine starting to come on, strong. 

I was tempted then to check myself out of rehab and 'handle' it myself, but decided it wouldn't be worth it. I hoped it would go away and it would all blow over eventually.

"Vivian, don't listen to any of it, alright? Me and you and everyone on that tour know damn well it wasn't just you being a bitch and us being the innocent victims." I say through the phone as Viv tries to calm down, her breathing shaky and ragged from crying so much. 

"I know that but the fans and other people don't know that." She says to me, her voice quiet and tired. "I'm so embarrassed, Nikki." She adds. "I'm already embarrassed that everybody knows I cheated on you but now this whole thing…" she trails off and I feel guilt tug at my heart. 

I don't know what the fuck to say. 

I'm used to criticism from the press, but none of them have tore into me or any of the guys--except Vince after the Razzle accident--so personally and extensively as they're tearing at her. 

Calling me a devil worshipper and saying my music is shitty gets annoying and frustrating and even infuriating at times, but attacking my wife and calling her a low budget porn star and telling me to kick her aside? 

Fuck that. 

"I'm sorry, Viv. I really am." I assure her, honestly, closing my eyes when I hear her stifle a little sob out. "Where are you at right now?" I ask. 

"Duff wanted me to meet his family." She tells me. "I'll be back Saturday." 

I'm relieved she actually has a reason for not being here, but I'm also hurt that she didn't give me a heads up. But I don't want to talk about it right now. I think she's been punished enough today. 

"Okay...you didn't show yesterday and I was just worried." I admit. 

"I know, it was just a spur of the moment thing. He asked me last week and I didn't think it'd be an issue." 

"Oh." 

I glance around and let out a breath. 

"I, um, I'm gonna go. I got a group thing with the guys at 3:00." I tell her. 

"Okay." 

"Are you gonna be okay or do I need to break out and kick someone's ass?" I ask her, half-joking, and she laughs, making me smile. 

"I'll be okay." She tells me. 

"I'll see you next week, Sixx." 

I can practically hear the smile in her voice when she says, "see you next week." 

We hang up and I rub my lips together, taking a few deep breaths before heading to where me and the guys meet with Amber three times a week now. 

Tommy and Vince are waiting for me, and I plop down beside them, leaning forward, elbows on my knees, hands running over my face…

"Psst," Tommy nudges me and I look at him as Vince gets up to grab a cup of coffee. 

"What?" I ask him, and he puts his finger over his mouth. 

"You seen the shit they're on Vivian for?" He whispers and I furrow my brows, looking around. 

"The room is empty except us, dude, why are you--"

"--Shh," he says. 

"Why are you whispering?" I finish my sentence. 

"Because they probably have this motherfucker bugged out the ass." He replies, glancing around again. "I'm thinking of breaking outta here, man." He whispers very, very quietly. 

"You do know we're not being held here by legal obligation, right? They won't chase us down and have the cops on us if we just check ourselves out." I point out and he furrows his brows a little. 

"Oh." 

"Why do you wanna 'break out'?" I ask. 

"I miss Heather and my dogs and I wanna be able to be there Viv, dude. She fucking needs us right now and we're, like, over an hour away--disconnected from shit. I mean we wouldn't even know what the fuck was going on in the world if Doc wasn't keeping us in the loop, ya know?" 

I think about it for a second. 

"We're over a month into our three month stay, dude." I state. "We can't just throw in the towel, now." 

"I don't mean ditch it and stay gone. I just mean check out for a few days, go back home, see what all is going on and come back." He shrugs. 

It seems oddly appealing. 

Way too appealing, actually. 

"I don't know, Tommy…" I rub the back of my neck.

"I already talked to Vince about it and he's down."

"Of course he is." 

"And we wouldn't be doing it tomorrow or anything. I'm thinking next week." 

"Does Doc know?" I ask. 

"Fuck Doc." He scoffs. 

"Agreed." I nod, chuckling. 

"So, you in or not, man?" 

"Just for a few days?" 

"Just for a few days." 

"Then we're all coming back in?" 

"Like we never left to begin with." 

"No drugs, no parties, not even alcohol." 

"Just spending time with our families and then back to the grindstone." He states. 

"...I'm in."

 ...You know when you're on a shitty diet, eating boring, tasteless, "healthy" food, and then decide you've been stuck to your diet long enough that you can have one slice of cake because you're disciplined enough to control yourself? And now, two years later, you're still telling yourself you'll get back on your diet because after that slice of cake you just said, "fuck it," and never thought about forcing yourself to eat lettuce again? Let's just say leaving rehab prematurely works the same damn way.

[musicallisto]

Hi! I'd like to request ships for the PJO, Marvel and Playchoices fandoms (my fav books are ES, TC&TF and ILITW) if you don't mind! I'm a straight female (she/her) who's intelligent, hard-working, ambitious, sassy, sarcastic, determined, helpful, caring, logical and analytical, but also arrogant, bossy, stubborn, overly competitive, fussy over my friend's health (both mental and physical) and very averse to big changes. My dream is to become a lawyer because I want to use my skills to (1/2)

Help others. My hobbies include reading books, watching films and over-analyzing both. I suck at anything remotely physical but I'm rather good at all things school-related. For the song thing I'm going to choose Avicii's "Without You" because it's been stuck in my head all week xD. Anyways, thanks so much for doing this and sorry if I made any mistakes, English is not my first language 💙💙💙

I Ship You With...

Percy Jackson

there’s surely a lot of energy going on in this relationship, but even before you two were together, your friends used to say that even Mount Olympus could collapse with the strength of your passion (passion meaning ‘stubborn as HELL tendencies’, but I didn’t tell you that)

it’s honestly kind of tiring at times to be the protective, caring, and even fussy girlfriend of a demi-god who’s been the chosen one of probably 12 prophecies (and counting) and has a knack for fighting ancient monsters of legend and immortal creatures

you have to practically beg Percy for him to lay down a little so you can take of his injuries and take a nap with you, mainly because you’re so concerned about his physical and mental strain, but also for the selfish pleasure of having him only to you

“Oh come on, I’m gonna be fine, it’s really no big deal” “Perseus Jackson you have been fighting mythological monsters for two weeks straight I am COMMANDING YOU to take a nap with me”

him being the cheeky hero that he is - “well, if this is what my general commands” with a sly smile, but you can read the absolute exhaustion beneath his sea-green eyes

he never really had much interested in anything acamedic or school-related, what with his dyslexia and ADHD making it harder for him to concentrate for long periods of time on given subjects (and, you know, the occasional saving-the-world thing taking up a little of his time), but once he discovers how passionate you are about school stuff he’s tempted to make an effort and support you

when you have a big test coming up and you have to study, Percy typically sits (spins, actually) on a chair in your bedroom while you’re at your desk and randomly exclaims pop quizzes about the subject to make sure that you know everything

“what was the name of the gladiator who led a slave uprising against the Roman Republic?” “Spartacus” “correct. The gods talk about him sometimes. Jason heard he’s a fun dude.” “Percy, you’re not helping me” “I am helping you! how many students in your class have heard from Jupiter himself that Spartacus was a fun dude? you’re really gonna make a difference thanks to me.”

he just asks for a kiss in return; consider it payment for helping you pass your ancient history exam with flying colors he’s an all-around amazingly supportive boyfriend, though

Tony Stark

did you just say you’re overly competitive? oh mygod

if there is one thing that Tony Stark hates more than losing, it’s losing to you. when you get that smug little smile of yours and start prancing around the Avengers Tower like you’re queen of the world because you beat him in whatever stupid thing you were both doing and it’s !!!! ARGH infuriating he hates it. no, really, he does. totally does not like it at all. it’s only for the pleasure of CRUSHING YOU to pieces that he constantly challenges you to anything and everything.

chess nights at the Avengers Tower have never been wilder and tenser. (except for Bruce, who just enjoys the whole debacle, giggling in the background, because he can see you’re both so bad and he could have won this whole thing three rounds ago. unless you’re looking to prolong the fun?)

both of you taunting the other to give up now and save themselves the humiliation of the slaughter you’re preparing. metaphorical or physical slaughter, no one really knows, especially because it never comes. the only way these dreaded, hellish chess games end is either in blood after Natasha throws the board in utter despair, or with you both having fallen asleep in the middle of moving your knight

there is a tenderness, however, in the way you care about each other, but you don’t show it that much, as if this sudden vulnerability came into conflict with the other sides of your personality. but it is undeniable. you care about each other, deeply. it’s enough to see how whomever woke up first from the infamous chess half-night wraps the other in a blanket and gently eyes them as the sun rises slowly

how you nag him to take a break when he’s been overworking himself, fighting all the threats and taking upon his shoulders the responsibility of saving the whole universe (and more)

and how he holds you steady, close to his heart, in the dead of the night when New York City almost falls silent and there’s nothing but your appeased breathing and the faint echo of a moonlit breeze

Lucas Thomas (It Lives In The Woods)

nerd meets prep in three, two, one...

(notice how I didn’t clarify who’s the nerd and who’s the prep)

I mean, if Lucas isn’t a nerd already, he turns into a big one whenever he’s with you. how could he not? you exude radiance and positivity and passion whenever you explain in great detail whatever you book you finished last week and you’re still obsessed with. how you pick up on the character development and how clever the symbolism is and just... ugh Lucas please baby read it you’ll see it’s just so good. with a laugh, he says he’ll try to fit it in his schedule. it sounds like the lame excuse you’d give someone when you’re not interested at all, but actually the first thing he does on his way back home from school is stop at the public library and borrow the book

he finishes it in one night, as you can tell by the foot-long bags under his eyes the next morning at school (longer than usual, anyways), but also by the content, even smug little smile that he wears on his face.

“so, what did you think about it??” you ask, hopeful, when you notice that he doesn’t seem completely apalled by the experience

cue montage of you two enthusiastically discussing every aspect of the book and the writing and the worldbuilding over lunch, in between classes, and even when you’re supposed to be studying

when you actually do study though, it’s always very intense because Lucas takes his homework and academic success very seriously. maybe even too seriously? you’re the one who makes sure that he catches a break every two hours to grab some water or take a breath of fresh air

he doesn’t need it, though, he retaliates, and you would find it agonizingly cute and endearing if you weren’t so mad that the boy will NOT listen to you. “you are my breath of fresh air”, he murmurs with a boop on your nose, before getting back to work

that absolute, lovestruck, handsome and brilliant fool

[shespsychedelic]

I don't have anyone else to talk to about this so I hope you don't mind me popping into your inbox. My bf & I just ended our 2 yr relationship for many reasons but one of them being I am an extremely negative person. I pretty much always have been. I kept lying to him & saying I was going to change but I never did. I didn't know how & I've always been scared of change. I've always just assumed this is the way I'm meant to be so what's the point? But I've hurt him. (1/

I was in a unhealthy, mentality abusive relationship for 2 years. I definitely picked up some traits from that guy as much as I hate to admit it. In some ways I BECAME him & I hate it. It makes me so disgusted with myself. I just...I want to change. But I feel like that starts with me forgiving myself but how am I supposed to do that? I feel like I don't deserve forgiveness because I've just been this terrible person to so many people for so long (2/

The last thing my ex said to me was "I can't deal with the numbness that comes with talking to you and how hopeless you are." That felt like an extreme punch to the chest but he has every right to feel that way. I can't get those words out of my head. I'm so tired of being this way, it's exhausting. I don't know how to change, I don't know where to start. I just feel so lost. (3/3) 

I’m answering this under a cut because this got very long lol

I’m going to answer this as point blankly as possible because I feel like that’s what you need. First of all, the most important part is recognizing that you are at fault. It’s tough, and it’s embarrassing, and it makes you feel like utter shit, but luckily you’ve already gotten this step down. One of the most important life lessons I’ve ever learned is that it can be my fault. I can be the cause of other people’s hurt or misery, and that’s not an easy pill to swallow. 

The second thing to do is to actually make the change. I know you said change is hard, but if you want to stop hurting people you have to be hyperaware of that. You have to actively go out of your way and recognize each behavior you do that you picked up on from your previous bad relationship, and how you’ve let that impact you. You won’t change overnight, you may not change completely by the time spring rolls around, but you can definitely start the process and make the small but necessary improvements. 

Third, think of what specific acts you do that your partner said hurt them. Seek those out. I know that when I was a teenager one of my most problematic traits was that I turned every situation/conversation to center around me. That was about 6 years ago that I realized that, and to this day I actively have to check myself and make sure that when I’m talking to my friends/family I make sure if I try to be empathetic to a situation, I need to not turn the conversation to focus on me. It’s a never ending process of self-awareness, but it’s SO important in growing as a person. 

Fourth, yes you need to forgive yourself, but don’t turn it into a gaslighting session, even if you don’t speak to the person again. Yes, you have picked up habits from another person who was shitty to you and treated you like you were less than, but your actions are your own at the end of the day, and how you turned around and treated other people is on you. Take the way you’re feeling and roll with it. If you don’t like this, then please, forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for hurting others, forgive yourself for wasted time, forgive yourself for everything. But work on not making the same mistakes. 

Fifth, you may never see the people you’ve hurt again. This is going to suck the most, and I’m sorry, but it’s true. I’ve had a few relationships (familial/friendship) that I’ve ended cold turkey because the people on the other end acted the same way you did, and I honestly am never going to talk to them again. Does this mean they can’t/haven’t changed? No. In fact, I hope they have success in the rest of their lives and I hope they find people to surround themselves with who will only help them grow, but they can no longer be in my life. I read something somewhere once that said (and I’m paraphrasing) “just because they’re a good person for you, doesn’t mean they’re a good person for me” and I think that’s something you need to remember going forward. 

Sixth, the change is going to be hard. You’re going to have to completely renovate your behavior, and that’s not going to be easy. If it means going to a therapist, then go, if it means physically altering some part of your appearance/life to reflect your changes, then do it. But your goal is to not be the same person you used to be. A LOT of this starts with your outlook. I cannot tell you how much my personality improved when I started forcing myself to be positive. Even about the little things. Make your favorite meal, watch a movie you love, draw an ugly picture and think about how much money it would’ve made in the mid 20th century if you were a manic white man with a nicotine addiction 😂 That one tiktok audio that goes “you need to start romanticizing your life” is cheesy as hell, but holy fuck are they right. You don’t have to have much to start finding the good in what you do have. The more positive you are about the things that impact you, the more positive your interactions with others will be. 

Seventh, remember that you’re a human, and even when you start making the necessary changes, you’re going to fuck up. You’re going to hurt people unintentionally, and you’re going to piss people off. This is okay. However, try not to let these moments upend your personal progress. Don’t let one bad event ruin you.Apologize appropriately, and move forward.  

it’s going to be tough, and it’s going to take a while, but it will be so worth it in the end, and know that I’m always here to chat if you need it xx